Hi, I’m Kat, and my life is unapologetically a hot mess.
I was out for a walk at like 5am one morning in the summer of 2020. Covid sucked, I had just come off of my first run at helping the kids with online learning and completely failed at it with Sophie’s kindergarten material. It was a total shit show. But I think almost every house was two years ago.
Summer had finally rolled around, we couldn’t go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone. The only time I had to myself was before everyone was up in the mornings, which almost never happens because Sophie’s goal in life is to not give me a minute to myself right now. So on this day I grabbed my beats, threw on an episode of the “Style Your Mind” podcast (hoping it would inspire me to get back to blogging at Kitchen Trials), and I walked out the door.
How The Hot Mess Mom Started
I can’t even remember what the episode was about, or what exactly she said to fire me up, but in that moment it worked. Just not for my cooking blog, lol. I do remember thinking I really wanted a place to find my voice. I had things I wanted to say and share, because I felt they could have value for other people. I wanted a place where I could be completely open and honest about everything. But like I said, I was, and still am, a disaster.
I started laughing at myself, like literally, and I think it might have actually been out loud so thank god it was 5am. The absurdity of me, a hot mess, having anything of value to share with anyone else. In that instant I knew I exactly what I was: The Hot Mess Mom.
I also knew no one would believe it, because it’s not the part of me I’d let anyone see up until this point. I mean, this is ridiculous. Adorable. But ridiculous.
I was the Mom who made her kid themed lunches (sometimes), threw fucking killer birthday parties, and could cook and bake up a storm. Just check out that cooking blog I’d already been rocking for over a decade, or the instagram account for it with all the pretty pictures. But that was only half the picture, or a quarter, probably a quarter. But it was the quarter people saw, so they thought it was everything.
The un-pinterest-ed version of my life
Really, I was still somewhat newly diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, which is fucking terrifying to face in a global pandemic. I’m feeling like total shit most of the time physically because they hadn’t yet also diagnosed me with iron deficiency anemia and a host of other crap. I’m literally exhausted all of the time and can’t find enough energy to make it through the afternoon without a nap, let alone cook dinner every night (still often the case when I’m in a flare, or my iron is tanking again, or I stayed up too late on tiktok).
I’m also WAY over spending on groceries, have absolutely zero urge to blog, and my OCD is out of control. I don’t have the helpful OCD where the house is clean. I have the kind where I need to keep my pens hyper organized, count literally everything I do (like stairs as I’m climbing them, plates as I empty the dishwasher), and the most ridiculous one of my hangups is always needing an abundance of toilet paper in the house.
And I mean it when I say AN ABUNDANCE. Here’s an example of a pre-covid toilet paper purchase, because we were down to the last 40 rolls in our linen closest.
Obviously the toilet paper shortage of 2020 was super fun for me. Enough so that I documented it the first time I dealt with it (Bo got a lot of ridiculous texts from me around this time). Never before had I bought just one package of toilet paper at a time. As a Charmin girl, this Cottonelle was just adding insult to injury.
So, what happened between then and now? Not a hell of a lot. I basically spent the last two years in a funk, but always having this idea gnawing and growing in the back of my mind. I was working on it, without working on it (it’s kinda my thing).
So, if I wasn’t ready before, why now?
Honestly, I think it was my 40th birthday (which I hit on August 4th). I had hopped to get this post published on it, but instead I ate a bunch of butter-tarts and took myself shopping. I had a total Marilyn moment in the dressing room too, so obviously, I regret nothing. And yes, of course I bought the dress!
But the idea of turning 40, and knowing that I have definitely evolved a lot as a person, Mom, and women over the last decade made it seem like the perfect time. To be honest – looking back now I’m so glad I didn’t just jump on it and start writing right away. I think I was too hyper focused still on making things seem normal. I wouldn’t have been as completely honest as I’m ready to be today.
Speaking of today, Anna was getting her nails done and Dan (her nail guy – also, don’t ask me why my 11 year old has a nail guy, I don’t know) asked me this question: When did you start feeling like you’d gotten too old for doing things (FYI, Dan is only 5 years younger than me… slow your roll there Dan).
I didn’t even have to think about it – I haven’t yet. I told him I was actually excited to turn 40. I really was, this was a BIG deal for me. I’d spent the last 13 years trying to grow something (house, marriage, cooking blog, health, making and growing friendships, that “faux-pinterest” super-Mom life). And I did a pretty damn good job at it, but that was A LOT of focus on everything else, and it was worth it because it built what I have now.
Today though, the kids are older and more self-sufficient, Bo has his thing going on with work and soccer coaching, I’ve dipped my toes back into the (virtual) workforce… I told Dan, I’m excited for the next 10 years. Really excited. Because this is the decade I get to see what I can really do with and for myself.
So, buckle up, grab a glass of wine (or water, there’s no peer pressure or judgement here), and let’s tackle these next years together. They’re going to be fucking amazing!
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One Comment
Jen
Cheers to you Kat!